All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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