I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
