my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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