Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my shit smells like andre
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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