I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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