Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
