my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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