She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
