May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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