Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Barsexuality is the new black.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
