some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
