and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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