We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
