what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
