i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
