# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
