He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
