I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
