good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
