I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
