just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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