Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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