chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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