my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
