Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
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