If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
