okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
