i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
