so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
