take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
