I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
