Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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