ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
