If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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