i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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