so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
