bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
