remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
