Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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