note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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