so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
