I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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