I'm gonna have a badass scar
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
