My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
