I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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