Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
