On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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