Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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