How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
