be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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