i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
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