I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
